Because these kind of things happen to me

So I’ve decided, since I’m temporarily without a job, that this summer I was going to get a Zoombezi Bay pass. (Columbus waterpark, located near the zoo, generally awesome.) Ocassionally I call up my sister and we go hang out, ride a few slides and then sit at the wave pool, wishing we were at an actual beach.

Daytime, nighttime, doesn’t matter. I have a hankering for a beach…

I’ve been twice. And have had two moments that have made me shake my head, saying, “Of course. That is a thing that would happen to me.”

The first day that we went, I decided that I was going to ride the body slide. I normally don’t like the body slides, but I though I remembered liking one at Typhoon Lagoon. When I went. In 2006. Clearly, I don’t remember things that well…

I told my sister I was going to do it, and that she should because “YOLO.” I said it too. I used the phrase “YOLO” and then promptly wanted to make sure that I only lived once and kill myself because really people that decided YOLO was going to be a thing…Carpe Diem didn’t get the point across well enough? We had to make a pretty hashtaggable acronym out of the idea? Well the slide wanted to participate in the YOLO-ing and also tried to kill me. About halfway down I closed my eyes, fearing that anymore water in my eyes would cause a contact to fall out. So I didn’t know when the end of the slide was coming. All of the sudden it was light and it took me a moment to realize I was underwater and oh, maybe I should get up and not be underwater anymore.

And then, I stood up to realize I had the worlds most massive wedgie. Have you ever tried to gracefully pull a wedgie out? Especially when it’s a wet swimsuit bottom? It doesn’t work well. I almost would rather pop out of my top than endure that again (Things that I have done at a Disney waterpark…have an accidental nip slip.)

Round two of Zoombezi Bay kept me far away from the body slides. I looked at them, laughed and then decided that epic wedgies are not fun and never again. So I decided to do the opposite of the body slides- the lazy river. Totally safe, nothing could go wrong there. Except if you’re me. In my valient attempt to get on to the float (which is my favorite thing to do at a waterpark because it inspires so much grace and fluid movement…) I managed to disperse my weight in such a manner to cause the float to flip over, taking me with it. Again it took me a moment to realize that maybe I should not be underwater anymore. To make it even more awesome, the little kids running through the lazy river were super entertained.

So, if you’re looking for a good laugh this summer, come with me to Zoombezi Bay. I really can’t wait to see what happens next.

Zoom…Zoombezi…Zoom…Zoomebezi Bay!

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