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The best substitute for experience…

…. is being sixteen. – Raymond Duncan 

I’m only 26. But I can’t remember being 16. It wasn’t THAT long ago right?

But I’m convinced that this past decade is the decade where we make leaps and bounds. We’re just starting to become an adult at 16. At 26 – we’re pretending we’re a full-grown adult who can pay bills on time (runs off to pay credit card bill and rent), go to work, and eat healthy meals (eats one more cookie). We feel like we know who we are…some of the time. We know we can drink and vote and hopefully do both (preferably not at the same time). 

I can drive now. Yes – confession time. I didn’t get my license until I was 17 and 2 months. 

Guys – at 16, I didn’t like sci-fi. (Okay, so I had LOST and Harry Potter – but those are like fringy sci-fi. And LOST hadn’t gone crazy yet. We thought there were going to be answers!). 

At 16, I was just as much the hopeless romantic that I am today (well, today I’m hopeless AND cynical and if you think that creates entertaining inner-monologues you are absolutely correct.) I had only kissed one boy.

I haven’t kissed THAT many more to be honest (yes, I know the number, and it can be counted on two hands).

At sixteen I thought I had friends that I would be friends with forever. I haven’t talked to some of them years. Of the people that were at my surprise birthday party – I’ve talked to exactly none of them. 

I was still working on growing out the last of a perm – horrible decision and had started straightening my hair daily. I had horrible short bangs. I didn’t dress well – but I thought I was hot stuff, like most 16 year olds. I barely wore makeup but in the way that 16 year olds don’t have to wear makeup because everything still looks good with no effort. 

I was a sophomore the year I turned 16. I was in band (duh) and drumline and 4-H and that was the extent of my extracurriculars . (Let me tell you about 12 hour drumline practices [that’s not 12 hours a week, thats 12 hour days]and then you’ll know why I didn’t have much more of a life.) My only job was babysitting when able (see above statement regarding drumline practices) 

I was quieter at 16; more timid and less willing to try new things. I wasn’t willing to go out on a limb – still not really, but I make the attempt. But I pretended I was worldly and knew it all. 

At 16 I was going to work in public relations. Well, I was going to working in public relations for a NASCAR driver. An INDYCAR driver if I was desperate. A track as last resort. Not-for-profit work ever crossed my mind, nor a job so far removed from that PR/Marketing realm.

I wouldn’t change a thing about 16 year old Jessica. She and her experiences helped form 26 year old me. 

If only I could remember some of them…

Inspired by: Tell us all about the person you were when you were sixteen. If you haven’t yet hit sixteen, tell us about the person you want to be at sixteen.
 
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Treading Water

Sometimes, I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. My life is a hot mess of insecurities.

What if I’m not good at my job.

What if I never find my niche in life.

What if this is it.

What am I doing wrong.

Why do I feel alone.

I think most are things I shouldn’t worry about. But days like today happen where I feel like I didn’t manage to do anything RIGHT at work, and I’m sitting alone watching sappy movies about love gone wrong. I can’t imagine being here for the rest of my life and yet I don’t see nat other alternative.

There are days when I feel so great and wonderful and in a different headspace than I was a year ago. And then there are days when it all comes rushing back. And those days suck. Good thing there’s less and less of them.

In other news – I’m going to see Bon Jovi on Sunday. That’s a day when I wonder what my life is. In a good way.

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Hope is a waking dream

(Aristotle) 

I had a dream last night that I can’t shake. It’s been in the back of my mind all day. It was one of those vivid dreams. I woke up crying because of it. 

I was sitting in an auditorium, with a bunch of other people. A lot of couples. But I was alone. There was a presentation and then little kids, and they either chose us or we chose them. They were ours and we were theirsAnd a little girl chose me. And for a moment, I was so happy. Then more people came into the room. And this little girl and I knew that one of the couples that came in were supposed to be hers, not me. And as much as I didn’t want to, I let her go. And there were tears and that’s when I woke up. 

What a way to start my day. 

I don’t place a lot in to dreams, but since this has stuck with me so much today (what, I’m not crying again), I can’t help but wonder. Has my subconscious realized that my dream, my one true dream of being a mom, is probably not going to happen? I know I’m still young in the grand scheme. But is it better to realize that I’m not going to get everything (anything) that I thought I was going to have when I was younger (or even five years ago) than to keep hoping? 

 

 

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Surprise!

I hate surprises in my life. I like to know what’s going on.
Which clearly makes my favorite part of my new job getting my weekly schedule at 11:30 or later on Sunday nights.
(That doesn’t mean I hate surprise parties or presents. Those I’ll take.)
I like control. I is there are good surprises (see above) but I am a but of an obsessive planner. So the fact that my life now, and has been for the past year and a half, a giant day to day surprise…it’s taken some getting used to. I’m getting there now.
This new way of life, a life where my schedule isn’t dictated by going to the same place at the same time every week means that I get to drop very thing and go see that new movie in the middle of the day. Or decide at 11 p.m. that I’m going to the race in Michigan the next morning.
The past year has been full of surprises. That morning I woke up to see that Tress had resigned is probably the worst from the past year. And the best…well, that’s yet to be decided.
Topic 285:
Do you like surprises? Why or why not? Can you think of the best or worse surprise you’ve had in the last year?

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Sunsets

Oh hi blog. I didn’t forget about you. (That much)

So I’m kind of writing and getting paid for it at the moment. I may be working for a paper on a trial basis (not sure why I’m secretive about this. I tweeted a picture of my name in the freaking paper) and am writing a lot more and just didn’t have the energy when it came to this…although I should because this is fun writing. So I’m going to catch up on the past two weeks and get settled and get into a schedule of writing so I’m consistent.

Hopefully.

This week, just a picture prompt. Last time I was in Washington DC, we did the monuments at sunset. It was beautiful. I love that the only sign of the sunset in this picture is the color of the Washington Monument.

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